ex-pat press - The Game of Life®
dream boy book club - uncertain poems and photographs
Goliath takes my hand
And I grab his arm
And I eat the oats
The warm porridge fills my mouth touches my tongue down my throat warms my lungs
There will be days darker than this
There will be days differenter
Today
I can eat my breakfast in pain
Swallowing The fisherman’s friend
And I can be Made up of someone who loves and hates you at the same time
A tadpole is a frog but when the legs come
It feels weird
Outside he thinks its not really me
But oh how tadpole can be a frog with legs that are starting , not ending
And I can eat my breakfast in pain
with razor blade throat
Waiting for all my frog legs to grow
Wanting legs not so half inside half outside
tartan-print walls
At the pixie inn,
room 13 spider weaves a web by the bathroom door.
The lonely congregate in a motel office half past ten
mamas a waitress at tartan restaurant working to feed her kids up on the mountain
stitching together her dollars until the next scottish kilt convention rolls into town.
This is life for the poor whites who’d die covering themselves in the hopes sewn into the american flag for warmth.
In another life i was an english teacher
But the pay made out to be charity work.
And I needed the coming in dollars to un-debt me.
Honey, sweetie, honey pie,
baby’s marked by ink, marred with ink.
Can we move to nothingville… Now that we have experienced the world?
Here is the newest gospel verse,
wrote this for you over a sausage biscuit:
Order just enough food to clear your plate or when you get to heaven god will make you eat all the food you wasted on earth.
dirty
One day i had a laundry machine
One day i had a dream of moving cross country
Tomorrow is the day the sex soaked sheets will be slept on again and tomorrow is another day the sex soaked duvet covers your wooden harp
its our psalm to animal nature
you ask me to come while inside
I say okay
Fox and the hound
Foxy and some sound
Yesterday i had a yarn needle
And I poked it through the holes in my jeans
Today i had a hollowed thought that there was a baby growing in me
I out foxed a hound
I out flew the lightning bugs
Ill move if you move
Ill come for you, if you come for me
wedding bells
If I get knocked up we’re getting married
If I got zero dollars we’re getting married
If I got a million dollars we’re getting married
If I got no hands for a ring we’re getting married and if you got no knees to get down on we’re getting married
I’ll take a shotgun for our marriage
It’ll likely be a shotgun marriage
If you wear a dress and I wear a tux we’re getting married
If it rains we’re getting married
and If it fucking pours we are getting married
real id is coming...
i pick up my dropped hotdog from the sidewalk because no food goes to waste
theyve put sugar in my coffee cause shit aint sweet here
water - water number 5
waiting waiting
like a fucking pet for you to come take me in or out.
judgement on the lovers reversed
justice for the lovers reversed
7 of cups
all my cups overflowing bullshit
all my eggs in none basket
real id is coming
dress myself in my favorite color
i have a star on my card so im real because
i have a star on my hip and
my real id is
missing all the stars i’ve known – burnt so bright
i dont need a new id
my georgia id always had a star on it
i wished i saw her
real id is coming...
i feel my real id going
we are on the way to hard truths
to live in a trailer, inoperable RV, no electricity under a tin roof
sunshine and mountains fields and rain
would i drive down to the rail crossing and watch the train pass by for fun
would i do it with someone
staring down freight train what ifs
suppose we rode these rails.
kids are reaching their hands into the river bank
please i wanna swim
i stare out a window seeing life with skin wet, my head underwater
holding a breath not rushing to break the surface and breathe.
there are degrees of seeing
god’s a seeing eye dog
i read chapter 11 of grapes of wrath over and over and over
The wonder goes out of the land
The vacant house falls quickly apart
Can you rebuild from vacancy’s shadows
Imbuing something with purpose again
Whats the point-uh always starting from scratch
In my blindspots are old visions ,
Slash’d n burn’d
Great fields o green from the sunshine
I can see the blind staring at me. I can find the use in a junked car. I can put wonder back into the land If you give me enough time
If you give me enough time
I can even learn to bleed it the right way.
bodies are wrought with a cage inside to protect all the soft parts
Some of us cage our minds with thoughts sourced from inside a bone skull
I am a serf under new age feudalism
I smoke cigarettes like a girl
Why does the body form stones when the organs inside the cage fuck up
I don’t want to be stone on the inside stoned from the outside
Or get stoned Because I hate getting high
And Its cruel to be made into a public example with hard rocks
modern stoning happens to us online
throw me the stone of decreasing credit score points ,
by the debt collection messengers[the false prophets] who ravenously peddle lack of financial agency through a debt buyer public transportation system
whats the debt of a debt collector ?
will they collect on the promises of social servitude to kings and nobles in our american debters colony
i heard you were paying a chipotle burrito off on a payment plan
that concert you really wanted to go to was paid in 4 and none of the musicians saw a dollar
open the mailbox and you recieved a new offer for a credit card,
why do you have this mail? who are these people that have bought your name and address? but you have mail because of them...so how upset can you be. its flattering to be desired.
, RENT IS DUE!
land-lord
Oh lord of the land ,
the land you hold so dear that graciously contains my black mold brick lead water apartment studio alcove unit number 4k
May you take my last dollar !
My landlord
oh my lord of land
I am your serf
Here is my digital money
mother’s become a god fearing believer of jesus christ and the bible
i stare into a swamp
and question whats underneath
3x jumping mullet fish
alligator mother and her cavern dug baby gators
could it be i am looking at sky tonight from real land?
and then sneaky raccoon walks out the shadows reaching into our bottlebrush tree, his two hands ten fingers on hind legs
i am sticky with the earth
all night – carolina’s frogs laugh at me, one person of the people.
what is it i hold?
the crowned night heron revealed itself in the daylight
breaking a stick off the oak to roost
herons must know what to do in this life
born, breed and die.
the pope dead the day after easter
the wasp said its time to leave
the frog sheltering in a bluebird house is under persecution in frogland and
now i hold this green frog.
i hold this green frog
i am holding this green frog now.
i saw this cloud
it was shaped like an angel and i thought of you,
only you.
am i so far from angelic?
cloud me is storm shaped
my cloud it siphons water up into the atmosphere and facilitates an earth flood.
mother became a god fearing believer of jesus christ and the bible
her earth is a flat one with ice walls.
god take me up in a helicopter and drop me over the ice wall, i want to see.
My cat waits by the sink for the water to start
I always turn it on
does he think I have some sort of magic touch
to make the water pour from faucet
all of my favorite masters have been to jail
and i am a criminal defense lawyers daughter.
my cheeks red in the mirror
i have cried again
because i watched the shoes laced – your favorite, walkin outta my door.
i didnt want to wash the “when it rains, it pours“ morton salt glass that last touched your lips
but i washed that fucking cup and it shattered into the sink
speaking to me now in fragment
“en ains, pours.”
what a funny joke!
i am a mirror poem
born for your reflection
i am a shattered mirror poem
ready for your elimination
7 years of bad luck
i killed
i killed marianne faithfull in january after buying her record in the east village on a cold night
i was made to play god and killed deformed kittens in a dream
i killed love in my apartment
and i killed want in a prophetic gospel to save me
because there is always room to be even lonelier.
i found thousands of carpet beetle husks on my altar
They’ve been worshipping to some carpet beetle god to find my altar full of hair , bones , feathers , rocks , memorabilia i made space
to – whatever I am praying for
All the fibers a carpet beetle larvae could dream to eat and become husk for
what else do I not know about
in the corners of my home
tv dinner
kid cuisine and hungry man in the frozen section
you are a hungry man and I am only a kid cuisine
Frolicking the grocery store
The only two people who exist
i summon my eating disorder, you will want to lose weight just like me
We eat the tv dinner
because tonight we are supposed to.
I believe in destiny Or got told i might.
Is it because I rebrand failure? I missed the bus so that i could meet you.
my new friend , he taught me of the great riches abroad
Afghanistan has an ancient game of the horse called buzkashi.
We both agreed, the american dream is dead so he showed me the horses on his phone from the front seat, cradled by its wobbly plastic stand.
“you see, they are trying to get the dead calf into a circle.
I used to be important in my country, own million dollar horses,
worked for the US embassy.
I was diplomatic–
here in Road Island, I drive people around in the backseat of my car.”
I could only reply with words of navy graduation.
On valentines day, i watched an orchestrated dance of war ritual fill up a room they had decorated in loving families.
how they put hats on them
all these stiff movements – to swear allegiance against the enemy.
As if the enemy was Unspoken Knowledge. at your discretion.
Sometimes i think the only way to get up on your luck in this country might be the sold body–
so being
you survive the sale.
This year they started hunting for queers again, training and un-graduating the
sign right here on-the-line sold body.
Sorry for the inconvenience, our government has passed legislation to un-purchase you!
america, don't you know you have now made a radical homo skilled with a gun?
on the right side of the sidewalk,
it's navy brothers first time not wearing a hat outside since his arrival on base.
They deal out demerits for a hatless head, and the new Amerikan sold bodies prepare to take on the role of an AI officer – the ones that blow up the people who scarf their heads abroad.
In WWIII, the american casualties will be drone lives lost. mass-graves of wiring and circuitry.
As an american AI officer,
when you send out the bombs you can cover your head with a hat, your eyes with your hands, and i promise you will never feel your war.
dad tells me if I enrolled in the navy it would be the greatest thing I ever accomplished.
his proud father label would shoot through the roof, exploding every room with proud.
but dad what about the sexual assault statistics, dad this is no place for the woman.
Daughter,
you better cash in that lifetime check as an honorably-discharged “freedom” fighter, than keep up this starving artist thing.
I could never be that hungry.
i watched him cry today with the same eyes as mine.
blue eyes crying the same as mine.
three kings in chess
last day of the year.
its like there being three kings in a game of chess.
i heard it in my dream
two jugs of milk on my right.
one small one large.
dressed in primary colors
navy tights, red wool skirt, yellow trench.
i tried to stop biting my nails this month for a lover. 3/10 grown.
30 percent successful.
working on holidays this year - not a job , a reframing
one year single.
murdered all of my roaches in a few days time. clearing out the bugs.
my train back and forth to brooklyn is above water.
sitting next to milk. fresh milk. january 20th milk. half drank.
magic 8 ball
sunny in manhattan
i use a magic 8 ball website to direct my life now. its easier this way.
sat in the exit row
I was the only one seated in the exit row. Fully committed, I read the manual fearing I'd touch the exit doors and not know how to operate the slide. they allow untrained civilians to do this. Maybe because everyone chooses overconfidence around here; agrees for the extra leg room.
if something happens i guess ill try. i said i would help.
Tonight i leave my humble meager pauper life on a plane to live someone elses.
I am the cinder girl being introduced by the prince.
10.8. 24
great flooding in my dream.
denial
seligman arizona.
mom thinks they are manipulating the weather
i am watching fox news at the roadkill cafe in their saloon
the subtitles keep sending strange messages
shoot me from the messenger
i make it to california today
taxidermy staring through me at the roadkill cafe.
my personal fox news.
10.4.23
i left my diary in the pews,
feeling awfully strange, a sinners diary in a chapel overnight.
i have a cape now; i felt the monks might believe i was mocking them so i de-caped when i entered.
religious service at 6am.
alot of driving and conversation.
sunset with shades of green peeking through.
oddly enough intuition led me to the proper spaces i needed to be in, the ones i feared.
5 more days until i reach california.
another night sleeping in bed next to the holy bible.
8.13.23
blown off head deer
body with hole on the highway
led to intimate glimpses of two doe through a fence
grazing the pasture as the sun sets
the nature of a firefly
i shed some skin this summer
its peeling off of me
8.1.23
hawk flew in front of car
deer on the left
no guard rail
freedom in full fruit
attention
the road is quiet, isolate
theres two large lovers dining shirtless on an appalachian porch
two teens in a pick up truck grinding their tires into the road next to a gas station and dollar general.
sourcing my wooden frames and clown company
west vagina, virginia, marys land
in between shit stops or rest stops
goodwill with a wooden facade
im an ambassador to christ tonight in marlington, virginia
it is so silent except the rumbles coming from ted next door, my brother in christ tonight
devout snoring neighbor.
i bet hes talking to god in that room.
the sound of cars driving through the gravel is rainlike.
the rabbit is freed from his box
when the magicians tricks dont work anymore
maybe he becomes hare stew
the witches spell undone
goose with a razor sharp jaw.
I used to be dragged out of the swimming pool to be groomed by Dad
Not in the bad way
To have my nails clipped on a cement step of a chlorinated hot tub
my father would scrub the writing off my hands begging me to stop using pen on my body
the Ink is toxic
what if he saw the ink embedded in my skin now.
I’d play with the pool tiles and
because they kept falling into the deep end
I’d swim to their rescue
Bright blue
I never had a responsibility to shave dads back cause
That was for the boys
I’m sure the razors kept them up at night
But
I had my own set of responsibilities too
I stepped on his back and sat through countless dinners where I was sitting across the table from someone I couldn’t ever really know
a storyteller that only talks unprompted.
I sat in different cars over the years clutching the passenger seat on a road race home to mothers
didnt anyone ever tell him you dont have to drive so fast, your only baby girl is in the seat next to you
but she looks like your ex wife and it boils your blood.
its okay
Dad didn’t know what to do with a girl
but
clothe bathe and feed her
So I ate I wore and showered
Still
never clean enough for the man
Hair under brushed not quite dry yet
overeating or undereating
the clothes are conscious of my weight
the sizes made to fit a bigger or smaller frame
Bodies not mine.
i eat at my own house now, bathe when im ready, and wear clothes that fit alright.
being clean was never in the cards for me.
i was born to live ungroomed.
and i forgive you
because being a dirty girl has brought me all the problems you tried to scrub off of me.
love,
your unmarried unkempt only daughter
centipede dreams
we are the insects crawling in my head out of earth
something of a rebirth , again
all of my legs.
nobody puts bunny in the corner
she will dig her way out.
A modern rendition of gray gardens. Girl and uncle in desert bunker
Inheriting the earth
An art residency of sorts.
Retelling of jane eyre.
uncle inheritence
just bad genes, oh genie.
when i define Tender it is the feeling of softness inside
the internet says
Tender:
1 showing gentleness concern or sympathy
2 easy to cut or chew; not tough
3 sensitive to pain
4 young immature and vulnerable
5 (of a ship) leaning or readily inclined to roll in response to the wind
I dont know that all of these cant apply at some level
I'd like to think i am a ship or a good steak
when i am tender
bark at me over dinner
watch me pace my apartment until the paint starts peeling off the walls.
met at a bad time
bed bug warrior and ex boyfriend liver
“Do you ever wake up thinking you're in your childhood bed?”
where is that bed in my memory.
It made me think about when a tree should have killed me in my sleep, falling into the neighbors den instead of my childhood bedroom.
You are finding comfort on an air mattress - with towel covers and trashbag pillows , as it lowers into the floor at night.
we sat so close on the subway bench sat so close on the bus seat.
I am not known for riding the bus right.
You walk us to the invisible bus stop and I take us to the catholic apartments, close enough to some shotgun wedding with yourself.
gilmer county
pickled quail eggs at the gas station were put back on the shelf because i couldnt imagine the taste
at rolstons corner , rural georgia
counter disappointment, no jar of eggs for the ride.
i drove a new strangers volvo to ellijay while it spit out black fumes down the parkway
who overfills the oil in their engine anyways and
who doesnt turn their car off when opening the hood on the side of the highway
nobody died i guess
you were only boyfriend for a day
i told you you’d make a great lesbian
skilled with the hands
sucked into a fire
i could be your ny girfriend
but only from afar.
fish after lion
gonna get ate.
8 over 8 is one
the birds sing peacefully in the morning
but i am not the birds
i am the manged cat
lying miserly on the sidewalk
and i know how to die.
by the traintracks thursday
is the thirteenth honk for livestock
blow your train for the country folk
skeletons on a hill top or skeletons in a closet you close the door to and book that 27 hr train ride away from
how would you feel as an rv parked under a willow tree
i think of lenny in this land of mice and men ,
towards salinas ca.
the train operator said dont get off this station unless you want to stay here but i saw a tent and clothesline pitched by the river.
real living.
GO BACK HOME