05 writing
1.28.24
bella thinks my time is worth more money so its better to wait to get paid for the right thing and i scroll the browsers for whats next. i get sidewalk opportunity.
when i am outside i want to be inside. when i am inside i want to be outside. reversing roles. when i was 10 i was emailing as a beggar for love to a child actor. i chase boys in my yard and out of my yard. sometimes they dig a hole to get on the other side of the fence like my childhood dogs that ate a hole in the laundry room’s drywall to get away from my mothers reign. coming back covered in mud because it was pouring rain and i buried this same dog in the backyard with goodnight moon and now i wait for the post office to produce their limited edition run of goodnight moon stamps because i need to add them to my collection.
and i am collecting for reasons unknown maybe so i can show and tell the revolving door of potential lovers in my living spaces. my walls are dark brown because black walls would be unrealistic. i have bid on three hats on ebay over the past year so when i get asked at a party if i always wear hats i hesitantly say no, that it is just cold outside but the truth is i usually do wear hats and if i take it off my hair is all matted up into knots from my scarf and if anyone was to discover id be so embarassed like when i kept dropping my scarf on the sidewalk or how i am always caught digging in my purse unable to find anything sometimes out of need sometimes out of boredom.
12.31.24
last day of the year.
its like there being three kings in a game of chess.
i heard it in my dream im not sure what its supposed to mean.
two jugs of milk on my right.
one small one large.
im in primary colors, navy tights, red wool skirt, yellow trench.
i tried to stop biting my nails this month because of a lover. 3/10 grown.
30 percent successful.
im working on holidays this year - not a job , a reframing
one year single.
murdered all of my roaches in a few days time. clearing out the bugs.
my train back and forth to brooklyn is above water.
sitting next to milk. fresh milk. january 20th milk. half drank.
off to the art gallery.
12.13.24
another year passes
sunny in manhattan
i use a magic 8 ball website to direct my life because i have no idea what i’m doing.
listening to bright eyes discography today
last night in the dark hours i revisited voicemails that cut a knife into my heart.
i can only process my feelings into soundscapes.
one of those really cold days where decisions are made without much thought
or consequence.
12.9.24
i was on the bed with too much silence. this time i was the one without expectations. lighting candles and talking. too old and too young
sitting across the table with my tabis in the rain.
i watched edward scissorhands last night and cooked myself dinner. self-sufficient.
when your fingers are scissors you hurt everything you need to touch softly.
i dont have scissors for hands.
11.17.24
Salvaging a sidewalk plant. I take it apart separate the soil from the roots
Into jars of water
four cups of coffee.
I walk outside in my pajamas to deliver a chicken tapestry. My neighbors desires are blocked by a barking dog in an elevator.
Sundays ritual is a jazz show and I am too prideful to admit that i spent my week thinking about how to get them into my bed.
My fingertip is split open
Im like a plastic mannequin. I need to be glued back together to stay still again.
11.21.24
I was the only one seated in the exit row. Fully committed, I read the manual fearing I'd touch the exit doors and not know how to operate the slide. Not sure how they allow untrained civilians to do this. Maybe everyone chooses overconfidence; agrees for the extra leg room. Tonight i leave my humble meager pauper life to live someone elses. I am the cinder girl being introduced by the prince.
10.15.24
i began this trip drowning myself in nyquil. now i am stuck in the eureka airport.
snickers for dinner, cinnamon rolls for breakfast, rootbeer float for lunch.
i saw a goat with no ears today.
a goat puzzle.
1963. she was 14/15 years old in NOLA alone. it was never simple.
i know the stories shrouded by the law.
when all your friends start dying sometimes it makes sense to order a syringe of death at the po boy shop by the local drag queen.
sometimes you chastice yourself like a benedictine monk and sew a quilt, forget names or search names in embroidery
it never gets any easier and lives on in those who listen
i know this life to be one of many lovers and im tired of waiting rootbeer adjacent.
going to find love if it kills me.
10.8. 24
great flooding in my dream.
denial
seligman arizona.
mom thinks they are manipulating the weather
i am watching fox news at the roadkill cafe in their saloon
the subtitles keep sending strange messages
i wouldnt know if shot by the messenger.
i make it to california today
taxidermy staring through me at the roadkill cafe.
10.4.23
i left my diary in the pews, must get in the morning.
feeling awfully strange, a sinners diary in a chapel overnight.
i have a cape now;i felt the monks might believe i was mocking them so i de-caped when i entered.
religious service at 6am. alot of driving and conversation.
sunset with shades of green peeking through.
oddly enough intuition led me to the proper spaces i needed to be in.
5 more days until i reach california.
another night sleeping with the holy bible.
rabbit, rabbit!
the rabbit is freed from his box
when the magicians tricks dont work anymore
maybe he becomes hare stew
the witches spell undone
goose with a razor sharp jaw.
sweet spot
coffee and pastry diet
aging is dying i’m certain
with all the versions of myself I killed along the way
protection braids in my hair
overcome with this syndrome where I give into the gravitational pull
pointing me to the most powerful in the room - the ones commanding attention
stepping into mine
constantly tricked by loverboys as they eat from my fruit
Fatal…
Brutal…
you would suppose a lady learns
playing chess and always losing is the sweet spot secondary to overconsumption of caffeine
when i start seeing through.
08.05.24
i came home to an empty house tonight.
i had a dream that a rash was covering, spreading
all over my body.
lines of red dots.
eating bagel in chelsea while tourists pose in front of project housing.
its a beautiful day. the weather is perfect even.
uncertain poems
7.19.23
I used to send you postcards to your home…then to your mothers. Everywhere id go i would pick up a 4x6 souvenir paper
And write to the address I memorized.
I dont send you postcards anymore. I save them in a box to send to no one. Maybe i never sent them to anyone. You never wrote me back .
I think i wrote the mailbox.
i dont have your address now but i still think about the postcards i’d send you if i did. I hope you loved my california mail because im moving somewhere colder where the sun dont always shine.
I wonder if you feel a difference in the mailbox now that my cards have gone.My postcard box grows as time passes into years since i left that fall.
I save my blank postcards and you keep my sent postcards. I think in this way we are even.
1.17.24
I fear constantly that I am to fall through the floorboards of my apartment. replications of witchery on the television.
old wrinkled hags hunched over a brew, converting the pious monk into a lover.
I was developing ghosts in the bathroom perfectly shrouding a face; hand remaining. life is mere magic. why would it be any different in the case of a wayward film negative.
I had a thought earlier that life was fleeting.
It becomes most fearful when I am wanting.
7.13.24
Sleep paralysis in certains bed. I am in a nightmare located interior of an art gallery.
We cant have sex like normal people. its always four hours long.
Two freaks.
When you die there's nothing. its all darkness. i whisper over her body, eye contact. Brevity.
I left all of my rings on the nightstand and turned the car around for one more glance.
Eyes wide open.
A shared fear.
A girl like me can never have an easy goodbye.
7.30.24
A looming postcard never sent to its destination.
It was arrived in my own mailbox. A sign it shouldn't have been mailed out — surely realized during its second attempt at deliverance. I stole a stamp from the business and lost words on the concrete.
Words i never said or sent
I am Saved by the post office or the sidewalk
Where my shame can be carried away in the wind.
Youve said to me before that i know where to find you.
Only if you want me to.
bug
centipede dreams
we are the insects crawling in my head out of earth
something of a rebirth again
all of my legs.
nobody puts bunny in the corner
she will dig her way out.
6.9.24
Dream of brother. I still hold guilt. I was awoken by the shooing of a bug synthesizing with my dream world. I can't explain things like that.
Big peanut butter raisin mound.
In rural michigan you eat … big eater world. Its been raining. today is nice. I wore hand warmers in my sock the night before last and either affixed poison ivy to my skin for hours or received a chemical burn- hoping for the latter. Meditative music on the land. I am thinking of the chiropractor. Today I am adding a leather band to my daily apparel. Dirty blue flip flops. drinking granola from a dog bowl. Lucy goose.
6.14.24
My love is in Paris, France and michigan. It is a battered racoon mother and daughter , an overseas phone call, it is digging through rubbish for a washboard to make clean
Vinegared soul, I bought a rosary blessed from the vatican.
What I learned on the road.
4.30.24
A modern rendition of gray gardens. Girl and uncle in desert bunker
Inheriting the earth
An art residency of sorts. Retelling of jane eyre.
5.6.24
I think I drank from the river styx.
Deja vu double vision. The real einstein brothers wheeling through times square. Insane to be on a timeline repeated.
If he buys me roses does he love me? The Ivory roses delicate
A subtle beauty.
How opposing.
Everything he does is striking people cant help to notice. I move quietly secretly - shy but have so much to say
Iceland
3.19.24
The horses are on holiday this time of year.
Given a rams horn for my travels, put-down animal dried-out red stain. dashboard item. airport fear. Tomorrow I think I will try the hot dog. Northern lights two nights in a row. I sat at dinner begging for the SD card to give me back my photo. something higher revoked the exhibitionism in a public bathroom, a capture of weird body. Best pictures are in my mind. Quite a windy day … nature is shredding off layers of my skin and carving into my face like a canyon. Paranoia has struck in that I feel Im aging. This is not bad but noticeable yes. I used the car as a refrigerator for most of this trip and did not get food poisoning. I think I can take the eyes of many horses staring over a sea of sheep gazing. too curious to sit still. A passion of mine is sharing thoughts in a guestbook and now my body in the womans changing room. I took an extra shower just to recreate a photo tonight and my conscious is not any cleaner.
3.30.24
Without shit to do one can roam and drink different things to pay to sit in different places. Some days i feel im hunting
With a quick pace. Why take a photo -
Wind blowing holding onto my hat after a lifetime i know that there is no replica of the first time for worse or for better. Refused dinner so drink a beer instead. Angel with the racoon tail. I love bathing culture i didnt realize i needed to be naked in front of others so that i could understand my own body. I am usually the only watcher gazer upon my flesh and bones. Blonde on blonde is what i am debuting when i return, maybe i can learn what it is like to fuck myself.
3.31.24
Thinking of two wonders. Walking up to a fence on the side of the road to pet horses and sitting on hay in a barn listening to 200 sheep eating their night meal. Nature is not about the quiet its about the rarely heard.
2.19.24
Tender the feeling of softness inside - a self definition from my mind
Definition actual
Tender:
1 showing gentleness concern or sympathy
2 easy to cut or chew; not tough
3 sensitive to pain
4 young immature and vulnerable
5 (of a ship) leaning or readily inclined to roll in response to the wind
I dont know that all of these cant apply at some level
I'd like to think i am a ship or a good steak when i am tender
3.4.24
“Do you ever wake up thinking you're in your childhood bed?”
I'm not sure which one I would wake up in. It made me think about when a tree should have killed me in my sleep, falling into the neighbors den instead of my childhood bedroom. You are finding comfort on an air mattress - with towel covers and trashbag pillows , as it lowers into the floor at night. discussing yearning over dumplings with the one you yearn for isn't as scary as it seems. sat so close on the subway bench sat so close on the bus seat. I don't even know how to ride the bus. You walk us to the invisible bus stop and I take us to the catholic apartments, close enough to a shotgun wedding with yourself.
Men are my muses in that space between the fine line of
having and heartache.
12.16.23
birds
dead pigeons in my dream
birds birds birds dreaming of birds
while I wander unfamiliar rooms of the sick
a parrot a pigeon
did I let it slip up
did something else go through the cracks?
my love is spread like butter with no bread
the lights flickered when I sank into the milk tub
underwater in air
missed birthdays year after year
i know the dates and can only relive that sinking feeling
walking away is the only condition I live by
Stalling out in motion
Soon you will confess yourself out loud. So you can rest. Humor puts out the heart fire
mourning my losses. Time to take up a new religion
Ducks command a crowd, we flock , they flock.
Us seeing through screens - given thumbs for what? One left behind races to his friends.
When baring the soul it hurts i waited so long to burn out the fire that i am underneath it. Not the ash wood or coal not the air flame or spark
Gas traveling
Unseen life path 7 i know you.
1.03.23
Soul gravitation.
Giving up the dog for their sake as eternal love.
Needing it more.
Early bird getting the worm, the late one digging it back into the ground.
Its a reflection
Narcissist views herself in the mirror of a nightlight and breaks it on the ground. A soul connection with the wrong timing or an elastic band that has stretched out over time.